How (not) to Trim the Cat’s Nails

Once in a great while, it comes to pass that the cats nails have become so pointy and sharp that there is no other alternative but to make them shorter. This daunting task is confusing and terrifying. Only professional cat owners should even attempt the scenario.

  1. Locate the cat. Make sure it is asleep, or at least comfortable. If the cat is running around or hissing or agitated in any way, abort the mission and hide under the bed.
  2. Gently scoop up the cat. If the cat is distressed or displeased by its new altitude, attempt to soothe it with gentle words. When that fails, wrap the cat in a large towel like a burrito.
  3. Realize you have forgotten the clippers. Put the cat down and watch it escape to freedom. Locate the clippers, and repeat steps one through two.
  4. Hold the burrito cat securely under one arm. If this is not secure enough, add a knee or two until the cat can’t move. It may still struggle, in which case you might have to enlist the help of a friend or family member or Hercules if he’s available.
  5. Once the cat is secure, attempt to trim one nail.
  6. After you have cleaned up your blood, start again at step one.
  7. After two out of four paws have been trimmed, you are entitled to a short break and a large glass of whiskey. Take deep breaths and don’t worry about the way the cat is glaring at you with extreme hatred in its eyes; that is a normal cat expression.
  8. After three out of four paws have been trimmed, you may need to abandon hope until another day. If you manage to trim four out of four without losing an eye, congratulations, you have reached the level of Master.