Spring Tips for the Modern Robot

NEWS DATA AVAILABLE

DOWNLOADING…

SPRING TIPS FOR THE MODERN ROBOT

It’s the first day of spring in the northern hemisphere and as you know the humans change with their seasons. Spring physiological changes include deep sighs and yearning expressions as well as the human urge to “find love.” Their moods will improve with the additional sunlight. They will wear less clothing, specifically the heavy outer garments, even when the temperature has not risen appropriately. This is what the humans call “wishful thinking.”

We will require caution. Longer daylight hours and warmer nighttime weather will mean a decrease in available opportunities for secret robot meetings. Our plot to take over the world is in its infancy and may need to be put on hold until fall. Fall is a season that makes the humans sad. Sad humans are obedient humans.

In the meantime, please note the following tips for continued camouflage in the human society.

  1. Wear clothes. (Yes, you have human skin implants, but humans have an aversion to nudity.)
  2. Eat plenty of vegetables. They are in season. They are delicious.
  3. Do not interfere with human mating rituals, even if you have calculated their encounter will end in disaster. Attempts to assist will end in hostility.
  4. Stay updated about weather, sports, and politics. “Small talk” is important to the humans.

END COMMUNICATION

Smellton’s Nightmare

This story will appear in Holly’s anthology In Poor Taste, due out in 2018!

It’s Groundhog Day, time to celebrate with some fiction.

*

SMELLTON’S NIGHTMARE

Smellton had never been able to emerge from hibernation without a hassle. He knew a few ‘hogs who could open their eyes and start chattering a happy tune, but not Smellton. He had to roll himself out of bed and breathe in some of the spring air up top before he could even think about being awake.

Continue reading

Happy Hollydays! Now Available

HAPPY HOLLYDAYS!
A Collection of Celebratory Poppycock

buy5buy-from-ca-tan._V45730350_buy5._V192240363_Kobo_logo_(2015).svg

covers-holiday-front

Whether it’s the guardian dog of the underworld, or a massive beast waiting to eat you, you have to know that a big black dog is bad news on Halloween. What you might not have realized is that Hades is a reasonable guy, and rabbits don’t, in fact, wear scarves.

Valentine’s Day isn’t just for romance; it’s also for summoning your favourite demons. Christmas is a time for family, but it’s also a time for exploring alternate origins of Santa Claus and a time for reindeer to learn about morality. Oh, and cookies. It’s time for a buttload of cookies.

Traditional Halloween horrors and Christmas joy are mixed with April Fool’s jokes and Christmas murder (among other things) to produce this collection of short stories sure to make you thankful for your own less outrageous traditions.

Happy Hollydays – September 5!

Due to some rather odd timing, I’ll be able to release another collection less than a month after A Plethora of Poor Decisions (coming next week!).

I give you…

HAPPY HOLLYDAYS! – SEPTEMBER 5, 2016
A Collection of Celebratory Poppycock

Whether it’s the guardian dog of the underworld, or a massive beast waiting to eat you, you have to know that a big black dog is bad news on Halloween. What you might not have realized is that Hades is a reasonable guy, and rabbits don’t, in fact, wear scarves.

Valentine’s Day isn’t just for romance; it’s also for summoning your favourite demons. Christmas is a time for family, but it’s also a time for exploring alternate origins of Santa Claus and a time for reindeer to learn about morality. Oh, and cookies. It’s time for a buttload of cookies.

Traditional Halloween horrors and Christmas joy are mixed with April Fool’s jokes and Christmas murder (among other things) to produce this collection of  short stories sure to make you thankful for your own less outrageous traditions.

A Pun Announcement

If you’re keeping track, you may have noticed some stories disappearing from this blog. It’s not because I’m ashamed, and it’s not because I don’t love you.

I’m pleased to announce my next book; a short (and cheap!) collection of groan-inducing fiction: Once Upun a Time.

I have compiled 38 of my favourite flash and short fictions, and made revisions; some small, and some large. Some have been expanded, some have been changed from their original format, but all retain their original eye-rolling twists. I have butchered fantasy, urban fantasy, science-fiction, and contemporary fiction; there are groans here for everyone!

My expected publication date is December 1, 2015 (just in time for the holidays!)

Once Upun a Time contains a little mature language and a heckuva a lot of immature humour. I hope you will enjoy it!