Proud to be Ridiculous in 2017

My holidays were successful; with the help of my brother I even managed to pull off Christmas dinner without the assistance of my mother, who is the usual provider of the fancy food. (Her dinner one province over also looked tasty.)

This year I’m planning to attend more conventions in hopes of selling more books. I will be writing regularly, per usual, and some fun endeavors are coming up.

A SUMMARY OF 2016’S OFFERINGS

A Plethora of Poor Decisions

Happy Hollydays

Rafaello’s Eternal Design Inc.

The Dragon’s Unhatched Offspring

If you missed my 12 Days of Christmas, you can get it for cheap.

BLOG NEWS

Instead of bi-weekly stories, this year I’ll be posting stories on special occasions. You’ll still see stories at least twice a month (with only one story in January because the holidays have caught up with me).

UP & COMING

Dates are still to be determined, but the following are what you can expect from me this year:

Novel-wise, I’m excited to reveal that The Finnaly Trio Trilogy #3:┬áThe Dragon’s Attempt at Revenge will be done this year. (Haven’t read the first two? The Dragon’s Toenail, The Dragon’s Unhatched Offspring – full of ridiculous scenarios, adventure, and extremely good-looking people!)

Anthology-wise, later in the year you can expect The Little Book of Inappropriate Morals: Stories That Aren’t Helpful At All.

There is also a murder mystery in the works, but I don’t know yet if that will see the light of day.

Happy 2017!

 

A voice among the crickets

This blog has been quiet for some time. Somehow I convinced myself that NaNoWriMo was a good idea. It turns out that in most ways it is; I have nearly finished a project that is close to my heart, thanks to the 50,000 word goal.

That means I haven’t had time for weekly contests or much of anything else, really. Writing time is scarce in November/December to begin with, because it’s the time of year I start to go nuts with Christmas activities (no regrets).

I’ve made my own schedule and I might just finish. Until then, it might continue to be somewhat quiet, but I have a surprise for the blog on the first of December.

So, until next time…wish me luck!

Robbie’s Trip to Ontario (with pictures!)

Once a year, I make the journey to see my grandmother, and now, after their move, my parents. Visiting family is always a blast, and they live in such a beautiful part of the world it would be impossible not to have a great time. My only regret is that I had no time to visit other Ontario friends.

Grammie gave Robbie the OK and we spent a terrific week of golden sunshiny weather in southern Ontario. Aside from some barking in the apartment, Robbie behaved like a champion – he didn’t utter a single peep on the plane, even though the poor little man was scared.

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Fitness & Health – Month 1

My first gym day was July 5, when I had an assessment and my trainer assured me he could help with my aches and pains.

I went in complaining of neck and shoulder pain, and lower back pain to a lesser extent. I’m also borderline overweight and wanted to lose a few pounds. During that assessment, I learned that he hoped to help me with many other things; my indigestion, my sluggishness, and the fact that I’m always hungry (to name a few).

An increase in protein, particularly red meat, plus a decrease (and in some cases elimination) of carbohydrates has dramatically reduced and almost obliterated my indigestion. I went from having a constantly sore stomach for years to blissful internal peace. I would never recommend the gluten-free diet (unless you’ve been diagnosed with Celiac disease or a nutritionist suggested it on a case-by-base basis) but it’s certainly working for me.

I thought it would be hard, but my stomach feels so light. I’ve given myself a couple of “cheat” days and eaten some of my no-no foods, and the next day I can feel the pain; it justifies the pain in the ass I feel when I go out to eat and spend half an hour with the menu.

The neck and shoulder pain I went in for in the first place is almost gone. Sometimes I wake up with a stiff neck, but for the most part, I’ve started walking with my head held high and I’m physically capable of sitting up straight in chairs.

I never thought I’d be able to enjoy exercise. Inside I was still the fat kid who gave up in gym class because the other kids were mean when I wasn’t good at sports. I’ve finally made peace with that fat kid and now we’re working together.

In summary, month 1: big success.

 

 

Pros and Cons of the Chihuahua

CONS:
– Everyone who comes in the door is a serial killer BARKBARKBARKBARK calm down Robbie it’s just my pizza.
– 3 am is an acceptable time to piss off the cat, who in turn wakes me up to complain.
– Everything is food; including, but not limited to: grass, chunks of dirt, cat poop, clumps of hair pulled from the husky’s tail, random processed meat found on the ground at the park…
– Bedtime is PLAY TIIIIME
– VET: (pointing to a poster of dog dental disease, prevalent in small dogs) This is your future. LOOK AT IT.
– “I’m gonna pick up the very few bad habits of the other dog, while simultaneously ignoring all of his good habits!”
– Pee. Pee everywhere.

PROS:
– He plays fetch
– 3 am is also an acceptable time to curl up and comfort me when I have a migraine
– LOOK AT THIS FACE

IMG_3077

Clearly, the pros outweigh the cons.

But seriously, pee everywhere.

 

Math Homework

Good morning, class. Complete questions 1 – 5 and check your answers below.

  1. If Jackie has 3oz of vodka and Sandra steals 2oz, how many minutes will pass before Jackie punches Sandra in the nose?
  2. Jack is an auditor. In one week, he audits five stores. If four out of five of the stores fail their audit, what percentage of the city’s population hates Jack’s guts?
  3. Two trains are traveling toward one another. The first train, going east, is moving 100 km/h. The second train, moving west, is traveling at 160 km/h. If the trains collide at this speed, will train #1’s company decide to sue train #2’s company? If so, for how much?
  4. Hans stops on the way home to pick up some groceries, and to take out some cash to pay the babysitter. He forgets the milk (again) and will have to go back later. When he gets home, he makes dinner. Will his kids actually eat the broccoli? How many broccolis will Hans have to throw in the trash?
  5. Laura is on stress leave, citing “mental distress.” Laura has never been distressed in her life and is obviously abusing the system, which in turn makes everyone who actually needs stress leave look bad. She faked it so she could go skydiving. If Jimmy, a coworker, steals all her stuff while she’s gone, is he a bad person?

ANSWERS: Continue reading

(small) blows to the self-esteem

The Same Size as Last Year
SHOP PERSON: How’s it fitting in there?
ME: *gasp* perfectly *wheeze*

It’s All About Numbers
INTERNET: Win a trip for you and 20 friends!
ME: I don’t even know twenty people…
INTERNET: Ouch. Sorry.

Adventure! Excitement!
FRIEND: So what are you up to this weekend?
ME: Pretty busy, doing some laundry and giving the dog a bath. I might even read a book but that depends on how long groceries take. You?
FRIEND: I’m going on my yearly holiday to everywhere you can’t afford.
ME: … Bring me chocolate.

Lunch or Rabbit Food?
COWORKER: Whoa, look at that healthy lunch!
ME: I ALWAYS EAT HEALTHY WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO

 

The Great Outdoors

I love being outside.

I’m sure those who’ve just met me (and some who have known me for years) don’t believe it, but when I was a kid I spent the summer playing in my grandparents’ backyard. My brother and I were the only kids around, but we were company enough; Grampa made us a playhouse way up in the back and we had a ton of toys. And a pool.

1
Robbie enjoys sticks.

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the truths of working in an office

  1. Someone, probably a superior, will enter your office immediately after you* fart.
  2. Resting your face on your hand will lead to a nap 100% of the time.
  3. If you have an afternoon meeting, you will spill food on your shirt and/or pants.
  4. And your fly will be undone.
  5. And your shirt will be buttoned wrong.
  6. There is a 99% chance you will spill your drink on your desk at least once a week.
  7. All of these small embarrassments are totally worth it, because you don’t have to work retail anymore.

*”You” in #1-7 probably** means “I” or “me”
**”Probably” means “definitely”