This story will appear in Holly’s anthology The Little Book of Inappropriate Morals, due out in 2017!
It’s March 14, and you know what that means!
Upon returning home, little Jimmy was greeted with a delectable aroma. He followed his nose to the kitchen, where his father was pulling something out of the oven.
“Did you have fun playing with your friends?” Dad asked.
“Yup! What’s for lunch?”
“Well Jimmy, March the fourteenth is Pi Day, so we’re having pie.”
“What’s Pi Day?” Jimmy asked.
“Pi is a significant number, and on Pi Day, we celebrate math,” Dad said.
“Aw, not math,” said Jimmy.
“Math is important in your everyday life, son. Take this pie, for instance. If I didn’t know my math, I wouldn’t have been able to measure the ingredients correctly and we wouldn’t be having this delicious lunch.” Dad served Jimmy a slice of the pie, and Jimmy had to admit that the meaty scent made math more appealing.
“Okay, aside from pie, how’s math going to help me?” Jimmy asked.
“Imagine you’re surrounded by ten humans. Five have crossbows and five have swords. What is the minimum number of each you need to stomp before they run away?”
“Gee, I dunno,” Jimmy said.
“You multiply the number of crossbows by the number of swords, and divide by the number of humans. In this case, you crush two of them to death and you crush another lower half, and they run away screaming.”
“Cool,” Jimmy said.
“Math is extremely important for a working ogre. You can determine the number of crossbow bolts you can safely take to the shoulder based on your weight and there’s even a way to calculate degrees of annihilation to a human village.”
“Wow, Dad! Math is cool!”
“That’s right, Jimmy, so pay attention in school.” Dad patted Jimmy’s bumpy head.
“Do humans use math?” Jimmy asked.
“If they do, they’re using it wrong, otherwise they wouldn’t be in the pie,” Dad said.
“How many humans did you use?”
Dad chuckled. “Three point one four, of course.”
While Dad explained the joke, Jimmy ate delicious Human Meat Pie, and they had the best Pi Day ever.