My husband hurried inside to where I waited on the couch, phone in hand. I had just texted him asking him to come in.
“What is it?” he asked. The first text message had said “Come on” which I corrected to “Come in” but he admitted later that this had confused him.
“Your f*@# dog shat in my f*@# library!” I said.
It was a dark and stormy night…actually I think i was at work. The phone rang. It was my husband.
“So…my mom’s buying me a dog,” he said.
“Wait, what?” I said.
We had discussed getting a dog…in the spring or summer, after we’d been in the house for a while and we wouldn’t have to potty train a dog in the dead of winter. Dexter was born November 29, 2012 and we picked him up January 1, 2013.
“Yeah…my cousin’s dog just had another litter, so Mom’s buying me one.”
I was not happy.
AW, COME ON, HOLLY! PUPPIES ARE CUTE!
I am a cat person. Fish have died on me. I killed a cactus. My cats? They are hearty and strong.
DAILY CAT CARE
1. Feed cats 2x.
2. Clean litter box.
3. Praise generously.
DOGS, BY HOLLY
*Dogs are super needy and in your face all the time.
*Dogs have accidents in the house at first.
Sure, Jill craps on the floor because she’s the supreme princess of the universe and the litter box is beneath her station, but she cannot produce as much refuse as a 70-pound husky.
*Dogs are terrifying.
*Dogs drool. Like, all over everything.
*Dogs eat out of the litter box.
*Dogs…no. No. Nononononoo.
My husband assured me that he would take care of all of Dexter’s needs – feeding, bathing, training, punishment, whatever. I did attend doggy obedience training with them so I’d know what was going on. I go to the dog parks, even though I’m still scared of dogs in my heart of hearts. I even let them drool on me if they’re cute enough.
Dexter is my husband’s dog through and through. If he’s gone for an evening Dexter mopes and sighs and generally makes me feel inadequate. Yet when I get home from work, Dex does circles around the yard and leaps through the air and I can hear him cry YAY MOM’S HOME IT’S WALK TIME SHE’S THE BEST!
The other night when he decided to get up on our bed, it was my body he chose to squash.
Dexter used to be kenneled at night and while we were at work. Some time ago we started to allow him his freedom at night. Last week my husband graduated him to kennel-free. He is a good boy and has never destroyed any of my things. In fact, my darling cat has destroyed more than the dog ever has, because he’s a mischievous shithead.
He only recently decided he likes taking the stairs (he’s not technically allowed up there) and probably chose the library. He probably maintained eye contact with Cringer (who’s still afraid of him) the whole time.
DEXTER: Hey, kitty! I’m in your room now! YAY! 😀
CRINGER: WHAT THE HELL, MAN? THIS IS MY SAFE PLACE!
DEXTER: I’m upstairs! This is the library! There’s carpet! Look, cat toys! Oh man, is that a window?
CRINGER: GET OUT, YOU BIG MONSTER!
DEXTER: I gotta poop. I think I’m gonna poop right here so Mommy and Daddy don’t find it right away.
CRINGER: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
For the record, Cringer is a big scaredy cat and his name turned out to be a prophecy. It’s been almost two years and he still doesn’t like to come downstairs if the dog’s around. It would help if Dexter wasn’t so hyper and didn’t chase him every damn time he tried to get off the stairs.
But you know what? I don’t care. Cringer is the best cat ever.
Two years ago if that dog had pooped on my carpet I would have been livid. Last night, I was laughing. In spite of all my reservations, Dexter has warmed my shriveled heart and of course he’s part of the family.
My husband cleaned up the mess in the library without complaint. All’s well that ends well.